Kanerry in a Coal Mine

my boring old life vs. yours

2008-12-28T09:07:00.000-08:00

well, it's over. two things, actually: my relationship with J. (there were many tears and a lot of heartbreak.) and my undergraduate degree in nothing useful. i remember, at the end of an Environmental Studies course last spring, wondering out loud where are all the jobs for young people who hold Bachelors of Arts in Geography, with a Minor in ES, given what everyone says about its being extremely valuable these days, in this "high-demand sector" (apparently "vaguely green" is a sector now). i was told that they're everywhere; one of my classmates suggested checking out idealist.org, or GoodWork Canada.

to them i say: alright. but what about those of us who have no technical qualifications, and who aren't crazy about relocating across the country, or the world?

this is an increasingly important worry. i talk the talk of "going with the flow", of being unconcerned, of wanting just to relax for a while and not think about anything. i've come up with a plan to move out of here at the end of next month, stay somewhere temporary for a while, and then in mid-april go on a cross-Canada train tour for a month (to work around jo's musical, and ashlyn's wedding, even if this is prime hockey playoffs season). i thought about living in halifax for the summertime, but if i hope to do this traveling and go to ashlyn's wedding, it won't work out. so once i get back, the rest of my life starts. i should be in vancouver; it's time to follow my heart'st of hearts back home and stop tarrying in victoria, although i guess i'll have had good reason up til april. and there will also be no reason to wait - to avoid getting a real career. i have been kicking around the idea in my own head of seeking a management position at one of the LD stores in vancouver (god knows the people currently running the show are fucking morons)... but that would be denying that the only thing that makes this job alright is not having to deal with management problems, and the non-moronic people i work with in victoria. and of course, in the end, a smart girl like me, with fantastic grades earned toward a degree in a high-demand field, should not start wasting years of her life in retail. i haven't been told in exactly those words, and i'm sure if i chose to do that i would have the support of my loved ones; but that's what they would be thinking. that's what i would be thinking.

which leaves my lovers. (what a terribly pretentious word.) my thoughts are almost constantly torn between an intense almost-obsession with R, and wondering whether i should have fought harder for me and J. J was smart, handsome enough i suppose (or at least the "best" i could hope to expect), ambitious enough in his way, sense of humour – i do still love him, and the more i think about it, the more i think that we might have been able to make it last (ignoring, of course, the things that eventually drove us apart: my desire for more adventure and more sexual experimentation with other people; and his desire to settle down a little and get on with his life with someone who didn't have my same flightiness). it kills me to think – know – that, in spite of our continuing attachment to eachother emotionally, my moving back to vancouver will surely mean the end of contact between us. at the same time, R is sweet and smart enough, quirky, and is crazy about me. but i never meant for it to be like this; when we are together i love to fawn over him, treat him well, and after sex (and there's a lot of sex – though less now than a few months ago – another descent into mediocrity?) to convince myself i love him. maybe i do; maybe a little piece of me is still caught up in the idealistic notion of absolute love: a dichotomy between sex and true love, with no gradations, a permanent committed love. i don't think that i can believe that now. (then again, maybe i've never really been in love.) but in the end, and what seems to make me a bad person, is that i want to do "better" than short and pudgy R, who lives in his parents' basement sans rent (as far as i know) with little inclination to move, who does his job well enough but also seems to have no ambition toward education or to move up in his career. he's nice to a fault but his sense of humour is often the most tasteless kind, and also he believes in ghosts. (it would be foolish to completely discount any possibility of the paranormal, but i just can't believe it until i see it.) for these reasons i know, deep down (to use the tacky phrase), that we can't have anything long-term – or at least longer than we're already going to be. and i'm fairly confident, from this distance, about my choice to pursue my old dreams and leave him to his old life. maybe he can get back to some state of normalcy, of seeing his friends and playing video games and things like that (although it will probably be hard to get used to infrequent sex again). i tell myself that i never really wanted this, and it's still a little bit depressing to reminisce about that first time he came over, when i felt like i had found a real friend in victoria – i was bored, i called him up, we got a little drunk and watched a movie and chatted – that's what's supposed to happen. but all the same... i don't know why i am doing it – probably my commitment to doing things right, more rationally this time around, is faltering as i become more comfortable – but i keep updating him on my insecurities and decisions about what happens this spring. and he keeps getting more and more verbal about how sad he will be when i leave. i wonder whether walking away from him, from victoria, from this job and its people who have become friends, will be as easy as just... walking away. the worst thing would be if i pretend that it's not easy, or convince myself that it's hard, because i instinctively trend toward drama. or because i'm afraid of being lonely. i haven't really been on my own during my adult life yet; i don't know how i will handle it. and all this self-doubt is making me wonder in my head about compromises and exceptions. maybe it would be alright to live with R for the two months that i need a home here in victoria? maybe i should invite him to come with me on the trip? maybe i should stay in victoria, or convince him to come back to vancouver? i know i really shouldn't do any of those things... but the doubt makes me wonder.

above all i ought to keep reminding myself that this is a boring old life, without glamour or ambition or adventure or motivation. i compare myself to others and quickly realize my place, and it's a lot more humble than this self-centred story suggests. reflecting on where i am right now, i'd like to think the clearest conclusion i can come to is "i don't belong here." it's this life that i'm trying to get away from. maybe it's just nostalgia, or inertia, or fear, that's kept me looking backwards, when really my spirit has been dampened for too long already.

humiliated

2008-11-19T12:02:00.000-08:00

that i don't know anything about wine. i work at a liquor store and when i taste with my coworkers i can't say anything because my "opinions" are always wrong. i can't handle being that embarassed in front of my friends.

reality check time

2008-10-24T11:22:00.000-07:00

to quote an oft-used and cringe-worthy phrase: oops i did it again. told someone who didn't know after all my dirty little not-so-secret - evidence? he thought i was joking and became confused. and he said what is probably true but which for four months i've been trying to deny to myself: "if you really are sleeping with [R] without [J] knowing... i knew you were a bitch but i didn't think you were THAT much of a bitch..."

ouch.

the universe is coming to a point

2008-10-23T14:10:00.000-07:00

it's ten minutes before class begins, and so i thought i might stop putting off and being lazy about writing something – rather than being lazy and procrastinating re. real schoolwork. my life is a messy stressful ball of confusion and wonder. R has pretty much become a second boyfriend, while my first real-life boyfriend must know that something is happening by now, since i am scarcely ever home anymore, and since he himself has been going out more, particularly to his single, female coworker's place, and has returned with a strange bruise on his neck which he wrote off as having smashed it into some out-of-place piece of construction at his work. further, last week R told me that adar approached him and asked whether i had a boyfriend – whereupon, answering that yes i did, and thinking that we'd been found out by somebody else again, it was surprising to hear that he sort of liked me. richie, who apparently was there at the time, appreciated the irony and could scarcely contain himself; same i suppose for murray, who, being on the phone with work and also on the road at the time, supposedly had to pull over from laughing. basically things are just getting out of hand... i'm thinking of just staying here for christmas and getting my parents and sister to come over – mostly after hearing and assuming second-hand about the happiness of visiting coworker-friends and delivering gifts on christmas morning, like adults do. yet that would imply missing christmas-eve lights and movie tradition, missing old friends around christmas most likely, and continuing down the road to an end for me and J. it's hard to contemplate, which is why i've been ignoring it this whole time, but in reality i think it's right around the corner. which again leaves the question of what, exactly, will become of me and R... since we don't really belong together in this real world. it's a shame that i constantly want him, and want to be with him, and after having him only want more. it's all the ingredients for a very sad end to everything, for everyone involved.

Missed Connection

2008-08-25T02:42:00.000-07:00

you: northern european "girl on sybian". first hit on google search with same keywords. me: girl looking for orgasm who accidentally stumbled across your video one night. you are very beautiful – please call if you would like dinner, drinks, and lesbian sex. yours truly, Head Over Heels.

she said what i'd been thinking all along

2008-08-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

... that you don't eat enough. but she used the A-word, which i don't believe, but which in the back of my head i think is a possibility, and which makes me scared.

a line that i once heard from somewhere

2008-08-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

"sex masquerading as love, or love masquerading as sex"

(a quick google search reveals a lot of hits for the former, from The L Word, though i'm sure i didn't hear it there; and only a few hits for the latter – since i guess it's a lot less exciting)

and it's been going through my head quite a bit lately, because i'm pretty sure i'm caught up in one or both of those as we speak.

a special place in my heart

2008-07-30T07:53:00.000-07:00

... is what I hold for the terrible pop music of the mid-to-late 1990s. Remember that single by LEN? How about the short-lived promotionally-created pop group Sugar Jones – not to mention Sugar Ray? And so many others... This was provoked by someone's mentioning "With Every Heartbeat" by Robyn, which had been classified as Swedish techno by the youtube contributor, and my vaguely recalling that name and wondering whether it was the same Robyn who had released a one-hit single during said time period. It was: "Show Me Love" featuring the following chorus:

show me love
show me life
baby show me what it's all about, alright
you're the one that i ever needed
show me love and what it's all about, alright

... Yep, the other lyrics are that good, too.

Special place in my heart.

ess ee eks

2008-07-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

... is what I have been getting lately, in droves. And by lately I mean over the past week – more, in fact, than the previous two or three (or more) months combined. The breakdown is as follows: Once Saturday late-night. Once Sunday morning. Twice Tuesday night. Thrice Wednesday morning. Once last night, which was Thursday. By my count that's EIGHT. ... Yeah that's definitely, like, five or six months' worth, at least.

Hm. How about that.

The Way Things Are Now

2008-06-13T02:26:00.000-07:00

talked to you for real for the first time tonight. you let some things slip, and it meant a lot to me, since we still don't know eachother that well. in that spirit, i had to ask what you thought of me – you must have known what i thought (or hoped) you might say when i wrote "without having any bearing on what happens at work". you took a very long time to answer... i imagine your taking the time to select your words carefully, possibly to spare my feelings, but i can also imagine so as not to reveal too much of the truth. you wrote truthfully that for a long time our relationship was strictly platonic and "all work no play", but that you'd always put my work ethic "on a pedestal" – which, regardless of anything else, is very nice to hear, and feels good. you wrote that you've been enjoying getting to know me better – that YES i am a friend, a "very good" friend – and you hoped i thought the same. but beyond that, you stay up for me late at night...

fuck, i just realized what you said. you told me you had saved a girl's life – one of your shoulder girls. and i have a tendency to claim, when things aren't going my way, that i'm going to kill myself by various means. and i thought the joke was all in fun except that now i notice you sidestep the punchline and jokingly discourage me from suicide.

well.

i'm so tired. my last thought is that i almost hope you manage to read this now – both posts. this is impossible short of the greatest coincidence ever... but i keep wanting more, wanting to push the envelope. i want to be intrigued and excited for a change – or at least have a friend. It seems I do... but that remains to be tested. I certainly don't want to become one of his shrinking violets. I want to appear independent, interesting, and indecipherable while gradually uncovering pieces of me that will mean something. Sex things are part of that, a part I look forward to almost every night.

But one thing that i wonder about more every day: Is it coincidence that you visit nearly every shift i work? is it just a matter of boredom, of companionship, of ownership of a store that it seems will almost inevitably become yours soon? if that's so, why do you stand around near the exit long after you've said hello, shot the breeze, even faced the store? why does it seem like more and more often you only leave after i've said goodbye? like today: did you explicitly wait until i'd got back from the grocery store before leaving? it certainly seemed that way.

now i want to talk to one of my coworkers to see whether they've noticed the same thing... except that that would mean implicating myself and risking have the whole thing explode into a million little pieces all over my face.

if it weren't for this (and the fun in talking to you for hours every day) i might find it easier to dismiss. as it is, i don't see things ending very well. it will be interesting, anyway.

and not so deep down i want to contact you during the morning tomorrow, tell you to come over when J is not here, and see what happens.

The Anonymous Letter

2008-06-12T02:06:00.000-07:00

Do you know that you're somehow driving me crazy?

Since I know that it's madness to be thinking about wanting an affair with you.

And imagining and fantasizing how it could happen... imagining how I would flirt... how the close quarters at our workplace – say, the back of the cooler – could force us face to face, and we would look at eachother, and it would be understood.

Dreaming of your kiss. Feeling the same way in the dream as I do now... not wanting to say something I shouldn't, something I can't take back, something that is serious, that will get my life into trouble. I asked you "So are you in love with Michelle?" You answered "No, not Michelle." Then you smiled and leaned in and brushed my lips. And it was the first thing on my mind when I woke up. And it has only made my thoughts worse – constant thoughts about the next time I'll be able to see you, speak with you, keep you up online (though it makes me feel guilty every time).

You've made me turn toward this as an outlet. You've made me write:

Why am I addicted to you? – Because it is an addiction.

Who can I talk to? This is important... because without friends to confide in, and not being able to do so with the one I usually do everything else, the urge becomes stronger and stronger just to confide in you.

So what's wrong with me? I really am a deeply obsessive person... but circumstances have always been different til now. I'm living with someone. I'm leaving in eight or nine months.

But the party is in less than a couple weeks. Why do I keep thinking that is a deadline or opportunity? That is only a set up for a let down.

And because things started this way when you started communicating with me online, I wonder whether that's the difference.

How do adults act in the real world? Do we get an exception because we're young people? Is there ever any way to avoid the drama of an infatuation like this?

Is it you – you the one who is bad for me? Or is it instant messaging services that makes me need to push the envelope, exacerbates my compulsions, my obsessions? ... Or is it just me?

These conversations make me think about you in an abstract world... but also keep making me look forward to working with you.

Most important, what are you thinking? It's impossible to know... Are we both covering up what we really mean with internet laughter and faces? Do the little hearts and "goodnight"s at the end of the conversation mean anything? Is the apologizing winkey face part of the joke, or a coverup for the feelings behind the heart – as I used to pull when I was younger? Then again, you said you had conversations like this with Michelle too. Do you pine after us both? Or do you think that you're just our friend?

I hope at least that's what I am – since over the past week or two I haven't been able to leave you alone and you might be starting to suspect – or at least to become annoyed.

Do you know more about me than I think you do? If so, do you like what you see?

Could I ever hope to seduce – anyone? Am I attractive to third party eyes? And if things ever happened, how far could things go? Two people from work have slept together before... and coworkers have been involved in affairs... but how do these things happen "on the ground"? Would it be a secret? The greatest danger, of course, is that these thoughts and rants will escape this venue... or that something greater might develop.

In the end it is probably just the excitement of being afforded attention from someone new... being considered in the same sentence as "hot", even if it was expected and therefore probably not even meant.

So if I already know all these things, why can't I stop obsessing, addicting, compulsing? There really must be something wrong with me.

Still having fantasaic dreams about my gay friend.

2008-04-23T13:44:00.000-07:00

A watershed dream moment happened when I was in high school and involved my friend T. I was basically in love with him for a number of years at the time; in the end it turned out he was gay (or bi, not sure to be honest), which incidentally everyone else always mocked him about since he liked musicals, among other things, and I always defended him – burn on me. Anyway, ever since then I've kept having dreams about him, including one the other night. Never really sexy, but incriminating enough. Maybe I'm still in love with him, even though he has little or no interest in having sex with women, and even though I've been with the BF for round about 4 years now. Clearly there's something wrong with me.

In other news I've watched nearly the entire first season of the X-Files over the past week or so. This after reading some fanfic in desperation after being unable to find episodes online. I can't really remember which episode in particular I was looking for... In any case, I believe this all started after J told me there was going to be a new X-Files movie coming out in July; that of course made me need to look up "the hallway scene" in Fight the Future, and that probably just snowballed into one of my usual obsessions; and here I am now. Similar of course to my The Nanny obsession, I think last summer (but of course worse since there are more seasons of X-Files and the episodes are longer); and unsettlingly familiar: read embarassing amounts of X-Files fanfic many years ago.

In other haunts from my past, saw my old piano teacher yesterday who was over adjudicating a music festival. Things.

And three ideas for screenplay/movie production/teaser production that will probably always be unrealized because I have no idea how to implement them – or at least no idea which movie editor I need to create the most basic clips. Quicktime Pro? We'll see; but I'd like to try, anyway.

Time for work; adios.

billy joel + a piano = my heart broken into ten thousand million little pieces

2008-04-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

Look at these (partial) lyrics:
...
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
...
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

... Now let me go weep wretchedly in the corner. Oh Billy Joel, you old man, this power you have over me.

The Vicious Circle

2008-03-28T23:25:00.000-07:00

I am so good at being jealous of other people and feeling sorry for myself. I've just got back from two weeks in France and Germany and I can only think about how I don't want to be in school anymore (prompted I'm sure by the essay and other homework which I can't find any motivation to do), I just want to live the free life by working a little and watching Lost in Translation a lot, and traveling to faraway places. Maybe most of all I wish I had a social life, like Jo back in MR, my best friend who goes to weekly or bi-weekly girls' nights out with very nice people I knew and was to some degree friends with in high school. Sometimes I think that moving to Victoria was a mistake... I often wonder whether a good degree in Geography and Environmental Studies will be able to allow me to change the world, if it's only a BA – applied skills are indeed in demand, but I don't have any of those. I might be more optimistic if I thought I were in demand or that I could make a difference or do something useful and green and exciting with my life. Jamie keeps telling me that I'm only 22 (almost 23), but now is the time that I should be doing all those exciting things. School should not be for me. I shouldn't be sitting in the office for days on end trying to think about theoretical frameworks and otherwise doing things that I don't want to be doing and that I don't perceive as valuable to me. I should be thinking critically and discussing things and trying to convince people about things that I know are right. I shouldn't have to willingly place myself in situations that will make me worried. I should have time to finish unpacking things from our move that was two weeks ago and cleaning the kitchen which is starting to smell.

All I really want is happiness and ambition and excitement and some good friends who like and want to spend time with me. Meanwhile I don't actually deserve any of this, and people would probably kill to be in my shoes.

Update on Me

2008-03-02T15:44:00.000-08:00

So stress level = roughly 11 by now. Have had to email Dr. McCann to see whether any hard-and-fast marks will be taken off if the Field Notebook isn't up to date when I turn in my reading assignment – for which, by the way, I need to finish the book by this evening, and decide which topic to do, and then figure out whether I need somehow to squeeze a field study in somewhere in the next two days (in the dark? driving?) or whether I can do an elaborate sketch of one of the 10,000 other photos I've already taken, and then develop photos. Among other things.

Also, take note: WHEN USING THE WORD "WHENCE" YOU DO NOT NEED THE PREPOSITION "FROM". IT'S BUILT IN. Biggest pet peeve is when there are spelling and grammatical errors in "respectable" published texts.

Going to Europe in a couple days; may or may not write again before then.

TRY LIVING IN A SOCIETY!

2008-02-28T09:27:00.000-08:00

So I came across this little gem on Facebook groups:

F*&K THE COPS!

... WHAT THE FUCK. What a narrow-minded, idiotic thing to think – uh, oops, except of course if you're breaking the law! The creator of the group noted something to the effect of "So I got my license suspended again because the cop thought I smelled like dope... They never found any pot in my car!" Hmmm Funny how he never actually noted that he hadn't been smoking pot... Congratulations, buddy, for being smart enough not to bring it into the car with you! Really this is just a part of the undeservedly negative imagery that is getting circulated about city police and RCMP lately. It would be stupid to deny that yeah, there have been some bad incidents, and there are definitely some imperfect officers out there, and the police force and RCMP should be much more severe in screening and training their officers, and in admitting fault when it's clear there is some. But sooo many people are blowing things way out of proportion and assuming that the part makes the whole. Each officer is a different person; while to a certain extent they all must represent the organization of the police/RCMP, they all have different competencies and failures. So it makes me so angry to come across webpages like this, or to walk into work and have to listen to coworkers talking about how the entire city police force is corrupt, or to visit Matt Good's blog and see "social activists" slamming the police force for an incident whereby evidence is definitely not conclusive. There's a huge difference between critique and criticism, and it seems like people can't tell the difference or are too lazy to actually think critically. Some other time (I need to go to class now) I'll write about how affecting it was for me to go to the Remembrance Day ceremony here in Victoria last year: there once was a time when people in uniform actually evoked the respect that they deserve.

Sweatpants and Me

2008-02-22T14:47:00.000-08:00

So I thought that my inserting some more pictures into the text body of these posts, and by changing the format to something a little sleeker, and by getting a better banner (which by the way is a picture that I took down the path from our place) I would be able to entice more readers, or at least more comments, or at least more interest, or something. But nothing doing, apparently.

LeSigh.

In other news, managed to make my way outside AGAIN today, after having spent about six hours yesterday walking all around Victoria in the sunshine for self-directed field work. I walked SOOOO far: from downtown, then bussed to James Bay, then walked back to downtown and ate a $9 lunch at Pagliacci's, then across Johnson St. bridge to Songhees in Vic West, then along the Galloping Goose trail past the Point Hope shipyards and Dockside Green and Upper Harbour Place and Railyards, then across the foot-bridge to Selkirk Waterfront, then down Gorge on the bus to Rock Bay, then back downtown to catch the bus home. I got a blister on my right heel and limped my way around after about 3:30.

The source whence all administrative mandates in BC come. Impressive.

Apparently we're living in Gotham City.

Anyway, the point is that I took my reading to the shore by our place and soaked up the fresh air and sunshine for a change, since it's my usual habit to hole myself up inside like a hermit. I even brought a blanket to sit on, and peppermint tea with vanilla syrup in it, and pistachio nuts and little chocolates left over from Valentine's day. I am great.

Ferns and sunshine. Kindles the very cockles of my heart.

And walking back since my "spot" was getting all shadowy I almost stepped on a salamander, who wouldn't even move when I poked him with a stick trying to get him off the path so no one would step on him. Salamanders are stupid.

We're going to the Salmon Kings game (they're ECHL, whatever that stands for) tonight at a corporate box for my work – somehow. Don't know how they've got it; probably through Diageo or something. But food and drink is free and the box is complimentary. So I'm definitely planning on eating lots of hot dogs or other bad arena food, if not getting drunk as a skunk, because one of us has to drive home.

Only people who don't go to school with me are allowed reading this post.

2008-02-20T12:02:00.000-08:00

First, I'm so happy about Double Overtime. That's the blues band my dad started up after things at FAT Jazz – longtime fixture of the MR local band scene – started going downhill, or got too political, or something. (Then again, Tom Walker is still in it, so it can't be that bad.) Also, my friend Matt from high school is in it, too – we played tuba together in high school, and it was sort of a matter of pride, I think – hopefully he thinks I was as good a musician as I think he is (even though I wasn't). He's really talented and is playing bass for them, except he's in Montreal right now – sooo jealous. I really want to get out a LIVE some more. Anyway, my old soccer coach Robert just joined a little while ago, too, as lead singer. I never thought that would happen (and I feel a little guilty because I refused to give my dad his email) since his old band played Weezer and things like that, and he seemed genuinely uninterested when my dad hawked him about joining a couple years ago. (Aside: Robert is also an actor and that was always kinda cool. Mostly he just did bit parts on TV series or miniseries shot in Vancouver, but had major roles in DaVinci's Inquest i.e. the critically-acclaimed Canadian series, and was the villain in Legends of the Fall starring Brad Pitt!) So I'm really really REALLY hoping that I can see "my band" play sometime soon!!! Anyone need to hire a blues band in Greater Vancouver?

Second, I've always had crushes on people I'm not supposed to have crushes on. When I was still dating Adam and going to SFU I always looked forward to seeing blond hair guy in the lecture hall for Math class; and seeing green backpack guy on the bus in Coquitlam. Do you know who these people are? lol In any case, last semester I took Aquaculture and we went on a field trip to Kuyquot, allowing me to fall a little bit for Dan, who has the most amazing smile ever, curly hair, and who is more or less granolaish, which I guess means he has a social conscience and he's actually doing something about it (not like me).

Well too bad not only am I taken, but he is too. I wonder if his girlfriend knows how good she's got it – or maybe he's not the epitome of perfection like he seems. Or maybe she's an amazing person too and they would settle for a threesome with me? More than sometimes I wish that I were an adventurous single who would do that sort of thing if given the chance. Because I'd like to think I would. Then again, I'm a pretty picky sort of person; I think I could only do it with attractive people, even though I myself am not very attractive. I would definitely do it with this chick because she is like a cross between Liv Tyler and Alanis Morisette (when she had long hair).

You don't know how good you've got it – or maybe you do?

So if you ever read this, drop me a comment and we'll make a date. Seriously. And I won't tell my boyfriend.

SUCH a girl.

2008-02-18T23:02:00.000-08:00

I'm in love with Lost in Translation. I want to be Scarlett Johannson (sp?) even though her hair is not very attractive in that movie. I have fantasies about dressing in clothes like her, that her character makes seem so easy. And I want to write a letter to Bill Murray and have him read it – not his publicist or whomever – saying that I love his acting, and he's a vision in all those Wes Anderson movies. The part where he says "Well I just want to die" in the Royal Tenenbaums is gold.

Now I'm going to go find that Justin Timberlake song starring my hero Scarlett on YouTube. Til later.

The Issue of Only Wanting Attention

2008-02-15T14:32:00.000-08:00

I think that one of the reasons that keeping a blog is appealing is because it lets us have somewhere to talk frankly about things that are not really appropriate to talk about with friends. Instead of trying to forge stronger relationships with people in real life, we solicit care from "imaginary" people on the internet, whom we know nothing about and will probably never meet and who know nothing about us... but whose opinions matter... It's a way of attempting to be popular without all the awkwardness and embarassment and effort that characterize socialization in the real world. But in the end, it seems to be turning out that trying to get people to like us in the blog world is still hard; there are (apparently) certain rules. Photos, is seems like, according to raymi – that's sure true on her blog. I wonder whether people would keep coming back to raymitheminx without pictures? ... Probably, since she has talent. She's published books. She's sold paintings. She's done work on the internet, and she had an interesting life and knows interesting people and has interesting stories to share with those people, and then post about it. Do I have talent? It's impossible to know without objective people to tell me so or not – but how does a person get people to read her blog without whoring herself to the blog community? Without advertising à la "LOOK AT ME, I WANT ATTENTION, SO I MADE A BLOG FOR NO REASON, REALLY"? Well, in any case, I don't go out much (my excuse being that I'm still in school). I'm in a long-term relationship with a guy who is very good but not very exciting. I've got scarcely any friends in this town – and arguably, few "at home", too. I care about things, but political blogs get tired fast, and they're hard to keep on top of. And I'm next-to-technologically illiterate, so I can't make anything look pretty (or even make it look the way I want). J is in web development so I'm sure he could show me how to do it all, but he thinks blogs are stupid (more on the deep-rooted humiliation that causes me some other time). I have a large digital camera – finally – that I got for Christmas, but I have nothing interesting to take pictures of – as noted above, I rarely get out, and even when I would love to take pictures of something – like the amazing things I see every day and the beautiful place where I live – I have already neglected to bring the camera with me, not to mention the fact that pictures of myself are basically out because I haven't got very sexy feautures. Maybe it's just a matter of getting into the habit of bringing a camera everywhere... Maybe then people will have a motivation for reading this blog, and I will be proud enough/have a reason to market it, and I will earn the popularity (if not friendship) that I've always sort of always wanted in real life.

Yeah, that's it. All my problems will be solved if I just bring my camera.

My Overkill

2008-02-13T14:54:00.000-08:00

... is the title of the most obsessionest Scrubs episode. Why? Well... it's Scrubs, first of all, but more importantly, Overkill by Colin Hay is the way the episode opens. Fucking love it, listening to it right now. If a person could have 10,000 babies of a piece of music, I would do it with this one.

And why is it "just overkill" for me today? Hmm Well look at the email I sent J a little earlier today:

"hey you

so the test went HORRIBLE this morning!!! i don't know how many marks it
was, but i lost at least 12 or 13 – because there wasn't enough time! it
was pretty upsetting; i'm going to send an email to the lab instructor
asking whether there's any weighting or something to be done about it,
since i don't think i was the only one. apparently the prop didn't really
know how much to put on it, since he admitted that the last time he taught
the course (a year or more ago) it was 1.5 hrs long... =( hopefully
something will get worked out... so in short i'm really stressed out...
and i'm trying to get out of my shift tonight at the moment, so i can have
some study time for the next test tomorrow. *sighhh* i don't know whether
i'll be able to, though, so i might be up either really really late or
really really early tomorrow. i know i always say this, but i just don't
think i'm cut out for this school thing anymore. for that matter, i don't
know what i am cut out for... i hate people, so retail is out of the
question – even at the liquor store the rude and snippy customers are
starting to get to me, so much that for the first time quitting actually
crossed my mind because i don't want to have to deal with that anymore, it
really tries my nerves. then again, i need money. that's why i'm trying
to trade my shift tonight, not just pass it off... murray just called now
and i got my shift off tonight! thank goodness... whew... sigh. and i
thought i would do so well this semester, too, at not backing myself into
there same corners over and over.

anyway, i just wanted to "talk" to someone about it all... write back if
you want but no need to call. sorry for worrying you! i will try to think
of something for dinner.

xoxoxoxo"

What I didn't write is that if he called I would probably just cry and then be disappointed in an irrational sort of way when he would have to go.

FUCK Apparently the fucking text fields get fucked up if you copy from an email and paste in here. Poor me, I am so hard done-by.

Nerd Cred

2008-02-11T22:42:00.000-08:00

Listening to Peter Gabriel right now. Yes I am. It's true that I dearly love Salsbury Hill, even though In Good Company was kinda... bleargh. Even though my hero Scarlett Johannson was in it. In any case, that song played about three times every shift I worked for three months at Sport Chek a few years ago, because it had a DVD loop on the big screen at the front of the store that contained various promotions – one of them for In Good Company. Another song that played as often was that Jet ballad, can't remember what it's called. Anyway, to make a long story short, that was the worst real job I've had. So poorly organized... and worked with some real douchebags. All they wanted was MONEY since we worked on commission – they were like hyenas. Made worse, of course, by the face that that was the year I'd decided to take off school to "make some money" and wound up working part-time for something like 8.50 per hour. So much for that hot idea.

Dreamin'/Fell asleep among the flowers/etc etc.

2008-02-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

A couple nights ago I dreamt about my boss' girlfriend Jean. Jean is just great, I love her, but she sure does get drunk a lot, from what I hear. I kind of think the boss would be better off with me, because 1) Jean sort of goes off to do her own thing and doesn't tell him when or where etc. (I do actually have proof of this, once); 2) The boss reminds me a lot of a guy I used to/still do have a crush on from high school, all white and skinny and pretty nerdy in his own cute way. Turns out the other guy (we'll call him T, it seems to be the convention in blogs to represent people whose privacy you don't want to invade by their first initial, right?) is gay, so obviously that will never work out, but the boss (we'll call him M) is dating a girl so that's OK. Also he's got an amazing tattoo on his forearm = sooo sexy, even if it is the YYY logo (which I think may be a little shortsighted since what if they go downhill over time, or his tastes change, or the lead singer or whomever turns out to be a kitten-rapist?). Unfortunately I've got my boyfriend Jamie to think about, so too bad for me. Well not really, you know what I mean. Finally, as a couple, Jean and M have pretty much the most insane combination of laughs in the history of the world. His is something close to a donkey, and hers (if I remember) a chipmunk. Possibly.

Anyway, back to the dream. I always try to tell Jamie my dreams because I dream a lot and they're often very vivid, but her always replies "Oh" or something equally noncommittal. In the dream I was on a ferry, and being held hostage in a way by a man brandishing two knives (which in fact looked suspiciously like the vicious-looking knives in our kitchen) against my back. So I was trying to catch the eye of the passengers on the ship, but none of them did anything or seemed to think it was out of the ordinary for a man to be walking around with me with knives against my side. Then I saw Jean who was the manager of the ferry (in real life she is the manager of the BP beside work) so I tried mouthing "Help Me" silently. The end of the dream kindov tapers off which is disappointing as far as this story is concerned, but oh well, it was neat that she was in it.

Then last night I had another dream probably related to the fact that one of the last customers of the night came in and asked "Do you have any Jamaican rum cream?" and I said "I don't think so, no." A few minutes later she came up and snootily said "You do have it" and presented my with Sangsters to ring through. Trying to be amiable I said something like "Oh I thought you meant that was the title, the 'Jamaican' part threw me off" and she retorted "Well it says right there, 'Jamaican rum cream' and started to pull it out of the bag I had just put it in just to show me how wrong I was. I guess you couldn't say she was rude, exactly, but you can always fucking tell when people have superiority complexes and think it's OK to treat cashiers etc. like shit, like they owe them something. Fuck you, lady. Anyway, so the point is, I think this incident was in my head when I dreamt about getting onto a bus and looked out the window and saw a woman, with her lovely little 2-year-old daughter, sneering at some bag-man and saying "You stink, why don't you take a shower" etc. Normally I would agree, but I can't stand when people are completely rude and act completely inappropriately for society, so I got off the bus, and walked up, and said to the little girl, "Your mommy was very rude to that man, wasn't she?" And the little girl nodded. And I said something to the effect of, "When you grow up, you're not going to treat people that way, okay?" And she agreed again.

VINDICATED, YOU RUDE PUSHY BITCH!

No title. Too lazy to think of title.

2008-01-31T19:22:00.000-08:00

Meh, I'm no great writer or blogger or anything like that, as you (my invisible readers) have probably already deduced from the fact that I don't think I've written anything in... well, months anyway. I've got excuses like school... but that's pretty weak. I'm just lazy. Pretty much the only reason I'm writing anything now is that I occasionally want to share my opinions and experiences with the world, even though I lead a very boring life. I do aspire for great and exciting and interesting and creative things – I really do. I want to play the piano again. I want to play soccer again, and maybe rugby someday. I want to ski – I have no idea how my compatriots at UVic seem to be able to do it every other weekend, especially since the nearest ski hill is 3hrs away and skiing and snowboarding are expensive sports and I anyway am almost broke. (Admittedly I haven't got it as bad as lots of people in my classes since my parents pay my tuition – but on the other hand, a lot of my friends are still living at home and I mercifully live with J on our own and have to worry about making rent and bills and groceries every month. Thank god I'm making 10.25 per hour!) Uh... Yeah Um I actually had a dream last night that I showed up in an auditorium where band class was being held like in my high school days, and Mr. Lee was the conductor... I showed up not only late to class, but after a month of having missed class, and I made a big scene setting up my tuba... Anyway, Mr. Lee get mad in only the way he can, and kicked me out. It was traumatizing, and I've been longing for band class all day!

Alright, good enough for now, Jeopardy is on. My point was, I'm writing this so maybe people will care about what I have to say via the posting of this URL on the comments to Raymi's blog. Heh.

Edit: Here is a lyric from "Too Young" by Phoenix:

"I guess I can't live without things that make my life what it is."

Lyrics are some of my favourite things. See one of those posts from my old blog for more.

Copyright infringement is the bane of my existence.

2007-12-14T15:19:00.000-08:00

That's correct. If it's not preventing me from compulsively searching and watching old episodes of The Nanny for several hours per day, it's deleting some of the best videos in the history of the world from YouTube. Apparently over the past month or two NBC has forced their digital shorts off the site, even though Andy Sanberg himself made it a big deal when one of them (Dick in a Box?) went to number one after it was aired. Couldn't really find the Dear Sister parody, or Iran, which are sooo funny! In short, this is a disappointment, and I want to firebomb NBC now.

Somebody in Toronto cares about me!

2007-12-07T15:25:00.000-08:00

I wrote a comment on Raymi's site to the effect that I was the most jealous person ever of her partying and such, and I basically want to be her. In fact, last night I dreamed that had come to the concert where I was playing tuba in my concert band reunion, and we finally met! Then I saw a couple of my other friends walk by on the street and I rushed to introduce her to them. Anyway, I wrote that while she was feeling stressed out and social inept at all her glamourous outings, I had just spent a week indoors writing an essay about aquaculture. Not quite as exciting. And then she wrote back saying "aw Helmüt, HUG" which was much nicer than the flame I was expecting. I wonder whether we would ever be able to hit it off in real life? Maybe I should just move to Toronto and find out. I really want to be a mover-and-shaker sometimes. Too bad I am too poor and uncreative to create an interesting personality for myself that would allow me to do that kind of thing when we move back to Vancouver. Hopefully the decorating that we will be doing after work today will take my mind off what a loser I am – We're going to crack open some rum and order some pizza I think, and "just rock it" as Murray says. I hope I remember to make snowflakes for the cooler doors! My only regret is that J and I probably won't be able to decorate our own place for Christmas, since we'll be leaving on the 23rd and not be getting back til the 31st or so. I want to cut limbs of plants with red berries (holly and some other one) even though they are on private property, and buy advent calendars and put them on the bookshelf, and buy a miniature Christmas tree and decorate it with cheap lights and bulbs. As it is, the tree at my parents' will probably already be dressed when I get there... No Christmas excitement for me at all! Oh well, at least Christmas morning should be OK. And I imagine I'll be able to go to Brian's annual party, hopefully – I love seeing all my old friends, at least the important ones, since time is always limited when I'm back and seeing them is never assured.

Anyway, I've got another essay due Monday, and work shortly, so I need to keep reading. Maybe I'll write about that stuff another time.

Musings on Friends v. 1.1

2007-12-03T00:38:00.000-08:00

So now seems like a good time to write about a friend of mine. Actually I lied: this is pretty much the worst possible time to write anything that isn't the 20-page essay that needs to be finished by my 2:30 class tomorrow and that has only 5 finished pages. Regardless, T is a fucking annoying so-called friend. (I guess I'll use the acronym method, like, uh... Elizabeth, I think? The blogger with the really long hair and nice body. She's super-beautiful, in any case.) I haven't actually seen T in such a long time, but I have basically sort of been in love with him since high school, even though he is gay (or bi, I don't even know anymore), but that's only important to me and has nothing to do with our 'friendship'. So the only communication we really have anymore is over MSN, and he never starts our conversations, and I wind up prompting him for every little thing he says, and asking all the questions, and never having questions asked of me... Sound like someone who doesn't actually care? Yep I thought so too. But what am I supposed to do? Confront him about it like some emo teenager? I'm fucking 22, these things aren't supposed to matter anymore. And it's not like he's a mean guy, so besides the above, anything I say will sound bitchy, too. The logical thing if I'm so pissed off would be to ignore him forever. Ungh But I just can't seem to put this thing out of its misery...

Branching Out

2007-11-26T17:35:00.001-08:00

Nothing yet. Just a link to my old blog, which I really don't use anymore. I just need to open this account in case I really feel the need to write something immediately someday, when I have time, which I don't right now. I actually have a backlog of things to write about scribbled on little notes and pieces of opened envelope, etc. that will probably never be gotten to. Anyway, so visit my old blog, because it's brilliant, and you can read it all very quickly, even if it did stop last summer.

So stay tuned. Essays will be done in a week and a half; maybe I'll feel like doing something then.